Review: THE ART OF NOT BREATHING by Sarah Alexander

 

The Art of Not Breathing by Sarah Alexander
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Since her twin brother, Eddie, drowned five years ago, sixteen-year-old Elsie Main has tried to remember what really happened that fateful day on the beach. One minute Eddie was there, and the next he was gone. Seventeen-year-old Tay McKenzie is a cute and mysterious boy that Elsie meets in her favorite boathouse hangout. When Tay introduces Elsie to the world of freediving, she vows to find the answers she seeks at the bottom of the sea.

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This is one of the most hauntingly beautiful books I've ever read. It tells the story of Elsie, a teenage girl who has no friends, and how the disappearance and presumed death of her twin brother Eddie, five years ago, is still affecting her now. She's awkward and lonely, and she discovers the joys of diving--even though she's forbidden from swimming and going in the water, as Eddie disappeared when swimming.

Elsie holds a lot of guilt over Eddie's disappearance as she was supposed to have hold of his hand that day. Eddie has special needs (really well written), and she feels responsible. This leads to an almost self-destructive spiral as she becomes obsessed with diving and finding the place where she believes Eddie drowned. Her parents are too broken by Eddie's loss to notice how Elsie is struggling--her mother's an alcoholic and her dad leaves them during the story.

Elsie's older brother Dillon is the only one who notices--but not in a way that he is able to help Elise, because he is also struggling. And this is one of the best YA books I've read for eating disorder rep in teen boys. Restrictive and purging behaviours are how Dillon is coping with Eddie's disappearance--and the secrets he holds around this.

There's a really well written romance too, and although we get some 'insta love' moments between Elsie and Tay (the guy who teaches her to dive), such as where Elsie imagines herself with his last name very early on, there's also an awkwardness about it. It shows how desperate Elsie is for a connection to someone--we even see her starting to get close to another guy, Danny, in Tay's absence for the middle part of the book, and I really felt how she was drawn to others as a way to anchor herself. Indeed, it's like she's floating aimlessly, unsure of who she is when she can't define herself against others (such as Eddie or Tay). And that really makes her sound shallow, the way I've worded this, like she's not an individual--but she is. She just doesn't know who she is, and she's sure the only thing that can truly ground her is discovering what happened to Eddie.

Being in the water gives Elsie flashbacks of the accident, so we see how her romances with Tay and the closeness with Danny (another instructor) again bind her to Eddie. And, as the plot progresses, more and more secrets unfold. I was so surprised when Tay and Danny were revealed to be a part of this, and I really felt Elsie's own heartbreak at that discovery. There was a strong sense of betrayal, of hurt, especially as they'd just slept together.

The characters in this are so well written. I can't emphasise this enough, and I really

This, ultimately, is a book about and pain and hurt, about self-destruction and self-harm. But it's also about healing. It's sad and heartbreaking, but it's real. So real.


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Review: THE BLACK WIDOWS by Angie Thomas

 

The Black Widows by Angie Thomas
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is the short story that became The Hate U Give, and although it was written several years prior to THUG, you can tell Angie Thomas is a masterful writer. Very skilled.

It tells a version of Khalil's story, and a lead-up to his death, and we see several of the characters from THUG. I especially enjoyed seeing Starr through Khalil's eyes.

There is a hugely strong narrative voice in this story, and Angie Thomas touches on the important themes that her other works examine: racism, education, poverty, and the idea of being trapped in a way of life.

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Review: THE LAST BEAR by Hannah Gold

 

The Last Bear by Hannah Gold
My rating: 5 of 5 stars


In this instant literary classic about friendship, forging your own path, and doing what’s right, debut author Hannah Gold inspires fans of Pax and A Wolf Called Wander to make a difference in any way they can.

There are no polar bears left on Bear Island. At least, that’s what April’s father tells her when his scientific research takes them to a faraway Arctic outpost.

But one night, April catches a glimpse of something distinctly bear shaped loping across the horizon. A polar bear who shouldn’t be there—who is hungry, lonely and a long way from home.

Fusing environmental awareness with a touching story of kindness, The Last Bear will include full-page black-and-white illustrations as well as a note from the author with facts about the real Bear Island and the plight of the polar bears. 

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Every now and again, you read a book, and it feels like being wrapped in a warm hug from someone important. It feels beautiful and significant, and you know it's going to have a long-lasting effect on you. This was that book.

I haven't that much middlegrade before, but I'd seen the author posting beautiful photos of this book on social media, so when I saw I could get a signed copy from Waterstones, I jumped at the chance. And this book was amazing.

April and her father get the chance to live at the Arctic when he gets located there for his job. While he's busy shutting himself away for work, April explores the island--and finds a polar bear, a bear who know one else knows is there.

April's a complex character. She's somewhat friendless at school and prefers being on her own. She feels abandoned at times by her father who is swamped in work--and indeed, working seems to be his coping mechanism for dealing with the death of April's mother. April is, in turn, still processing this, and we can really see how her life experiences have shaped her.

April and the polar bear build an almost magical friendship. Both are lost and isolated, and they come to trust each other greatly. The bear is hungry and April feeds him, providing him with her food. But of course, this friendship has a time limit on it--not only are April and her father due to return home at the end of his work, but this secret friendship can't last once food has run out, and there's also the threat of others finding out about the bear and removing him.

The ending of this book is bittersweet. I felt sad--I wanted things to go another way--but it also felt right. It was the right ending for the book, and I'm sure it'll teach a lot of children some very important life lessons too.

This book also says a lot about the environment and the devastating effects of global warming on the melting ice caps and the animals this affects, such as polar bears. There's just so much in this book.

It's a really important read.

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Review: BEFORE WE WERE BLUE by E.J. Schwartz

 

Before We Were Blue by E.J. Schwartz
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Get healthy on their own—or stay sick together?

At Recovery and Relief, a treatment center for girls with eating disorders, the first thing Shoshana Winnick does is attach herself to vibrant but troubled Rowan Parish. Shoshana—a cheerleader on a hit reality TV show—was admitted for starving herself to ensure her growth spurt didn’t ruin her infamous tumbling skills. Rowan, on the other hand, has known anorexia her entire life, thanks to her mother’s “chew and spit” guidance. Through the drudgery and drama of treatment life, Shoshana and Rowan develop a fierce intimacy—and for Rowan, a budding infatuation, that neither girl expects.

As “Gray Girls,” patients in the center’s Gray plan, Shoshana and Rowan are constantly under the nurses’ watchful eyes. They dream of being Blue, when they will enjoy more freedom and the knowledge that their days at the center are numbered. But going home means separating and returning to all the challenges they left behind. The closer Shoshana and Rowan become, the more they cling to each other—and their destructive patterns. Ultimately, the girls will have to choose: their recovery or their relationship.

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This book has everything I could possibly want. I love sad and haunting stories that also offer hope, and BEFORE WE WERE BLUE, E. J. Schwartz's debut, gives just that.

I requested an ARC of this book on NetGalley because the cover was just so beautiful. Then I started reading it and realised it was about eating disorders--and I was drawn right in. In fact, I fell in love with this story as soon as I started it. Chapter one gives us Shoshana's POV as she's in RR, a recovery programme for her eating disorder. Immediately, I was pulled into her world and her life. She felt so, so real, and the writing was beautiful. There's something so compelling about the writing, in fact, that I just couldn't put it down. I knew immediately that this was a five-star book for me--and then I got Rowan's POV. And, just, wow. I didn't think this book could get it better, but chapter two just lifted it beyond 5 stars. We'd already met Rowan from Shoshana's POV, but chapter two, written in direct address from Rowan to Shoshana reveals the one-sided nature and complex intricacies of their friendship. There's this hard, toxic edge to Rowan and we realise she's using Shoshana. My heart was pounding reading this. It's just deliciously addictive.

Schwartz is a master of characterisation and voice, and I wasn't prepared for just how good this book was going to be. Every chapter, as I got deeper into the story, made me fall even more for this book. Shoshana and Rowan feel so real. I was breathing their stories, and Schwartz covers a lot of ground in this book.

Both girls are suffering from eating disorders, and there's a lot of discourse on bodies and social media. Shoshana is a professional cheerleader who developed her ED as a response to the pressures of this (and a pretty nasty coach), while Rowan has had her ED for longer, likely having, in some part, 'inherited' the behaviours from her mother who also showed signs of this. This book also really looks into the psychology of eating disorders and how they're often linked to other conditions--not just the physical ones caused by the effects of starvation and malnutrition, but other mental illnesses too. And it looks at WHY eating disorders can occur and how and why someone can relapse during/after treatment. There's one line from Shoshana that particularly struck me--she says about how she just wanted to be gone, and this jus really got to me. It resonated with me, and I think so many people think that eating disorders are just about food and body image, and someone's mental torture and desperation to disappear can often be overlooked because of this.

The friendship between Rowan and Shoshana is masterfully written. Rowan's arc in particular is impressive--she starts off wanting to hold onto her status as 'gray' (those whose EDs are controlling them more), and she's proud of it. She wants to be disciplined and seen as disciplined enough to maintain her status as gray (again, these were things I could personally relate to). But we see Rowan's mindset changing as she decides she wants to get better--and this coincides with her realisation about how she's been using Shoshana and needs to be a better friend.

Rowan's arc cleverly contrasts with Shoshana's. When Rowan's resisting progress at the start of the book, Shoshana is making it. When Rowan makes progress at the end, Shoshana's hitting 'rock bottom' again (perhaps, worse than before). But

This is definitely a story of friendship too--in all its different types--and we see how close and dependent the two narrators are on each other. There was this super intense relationship between them that I just adored. Now, I must just mention here that I am ace, and a lot of things that Shoshana said had me getting strong ace vibes. But I kept thinking that it wouldn't got that way, that it was just a coincidence--and then the author confirmed that this was in fact ace rep! At that point, I hadn't thought I could love this book any more, but I really did. This was just...amazing. A book that I could personally relate to not just on the eating disorder rep but also the ace rep. I was speechless. I almost couldn't believe I'd found such a perfect book for me.

I was so sad when I finished this book. I'd felt so seen in these pages, and I just wanted it to continue.

E.J. Schwartz is now an auto-buy author for me. BEFORE WE WERE BLUE is a complex look at eating disorders, friendship, social media and societal pressures, the process of healing, and asexuality. It's masterfully written, compelling and powerful, and I could not turn the pages fast enough.

Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for the ARC copy.

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Review: NOT ALL BLACK GIRLS KNOW HOW TO EAT: A STORY OF BULIMIA by Stephanie Covington Armstrong

 

Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat: A Story of Bulimia by Stephanie Covington Armstrong
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Stephanie Covington Armstrong does not fit the stereotype of a woman with an eating disorder. She grew up poor and hungry in the inner city. Foster care, sexual abuse, and overwhelming insecurity defined her early years. But the biggest difference is her race: Stephanie is black.
 
In this moving first-person narrative, Armstrong describes her struggle as a black woman with a disorder consistently portrayed as a white woman’s problem. Trying to escape her selfhatred and her food obsession by never slowing down, Stephanie becomes trapped in a downward spiral. Finally, she can no longer deny that she will die if she doesn’t get help, overcome her shame, and conquer her addiction to using food as a weapon against herself.
 
For more information about the book and eating disorders, visit www.notallblackgirls.com

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I read this book as part of my MA in Creative Writing as I'd chosen to examine race within eating disorder representation in YA novels. While this book isn't YA or a novel, I found Stephanie Covington Armstrong's memoir extremely helpful for my assignment in which I was arguing that a lot of YA depictions not only gender eating disorder as women's illnesses but also suggest that only white women get them. And this is exactly what Covington Armstrong writes about in this memoir.

The writing is beautiful, and, I'll be honest, the content is harrowing. Of course, there's dark stuff in here--not just around body image and eating disorders and the reality of having bulimia, but we also see how the author was sexually assaulted as a child by her uncle. We see her fragmented relationships with authority figures after this and her anger at various family members.

This book also really shows how eating disorders can be thought of as an addiction, something I hadn't really fully realised before. It was enlightening.

Structurally, it's divided into three parts: before the eating disorder, during, and after/the recovery. This last section did seem a bit simplistic at times, and the author highlights her reliance on God for recovery. This was the part I related to the least really, but as this is memoir and not fiction, how I relate to the events isn't really important. This is Covington Armstrong's story.

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Review: BRIGHT BURNING STARS by A.K. Small

 

Bright Burning Stars by A.K. Small
My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Best friends Marine Duval and Kate Sanders have trained at the Paris Opera Ballet School since childhood, where they’ve formed an inseparable bond forged by respective family tragedies and a fierce love for dance. When the body of a student is found in the dorms just before the start of their final year, Marine and Kate begin to ask themselves what they would do to win the ultimate prize: to be the one girl selected to join the Opera’s prestigious corps de ballet. Would they die? Cheat? Seduce the most talented boy in the school, dubbed the Demigod, hoping his magic would make them shine, too? Neither girl is sure.

But then Kate gets closer to the Demigod, even as Marine has begun to capture his heart. And as selection day draws near, the competition—for the prize, for the Demigod—becomes fiercer, and Marine and Kate realize they have everything to lose, including each other.

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4.5 stars.

What can I say? I've picked up yet another novel about ballet dancers!

I've actually been waiting over a year for this book, and when my paperback preorder finally arrived, I was so excited to start it.

It follows two ballet dancers, Marine and Kate, as they finish their final year of ballet school and compete for a prestigious role as a professional dancer. We see their friendship tested as both strive to achieve the attentions of the best male dancer there, Cyrille, who is nicknamed "The Demigod." I must admit, I found that name annoying, especially how the nickname is used so frequently in the text.

The romance is heavier in this book than I was expecting, but it works. And we see the lengths that people will go to to get what they want. Hello, toxic competitive ballet dancers! This has to be one of my favourite things.

Oh and Marine's grieving for her brother who died several years ago too.

There are quite a lot of content warnings for this book though: sex, abortion, drugs, mental health, eating disorders, suicide, sucide attempts, grief, death. There really is so much wrapped up in these pages.

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Review: LOVELESS by Alice Oseman

 

Loveless by Alice Oseman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The fourth novel from the phenomenally talented Alice Oseman – one of the most authentic and talked-about voices in contemporary YA.

It was all sinking in. I’d never had a crush on anyone. No boys, no girls, not a single person I had ever met. What did that mean?

Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day.

As she starts university with her best friends, Pip and Jason, in a whole new town far from home, Georgia’s ready to find romance, and with her outgoing roommate on her side and a place in the Shakespeare Society, her ‘teenage dream’ is in sight.

But when her romance plan wreaks havoc amongst her friends, Georgia ends up in her own comedy of errors, and she starts to question why love seems so easy for other people but not for her. With new terms thrown at her – asexual, aromantic – Georgia is more uncertain about her feelings than ever.

Is she destined to remain loveless? Or has she been looking for the wrong thing all along?

This wise, warm and witty story of identity and self-acceptance sees Alice Oseman on towering form as Georgia and her friends discover that true love isn’t limited to romance.

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Loveless has to be one of the biggest YA books out there for ace rep, and this made me incredibly nervous to read it as I'm ace myself, and I guess I was scared that I wouldn't relate to the character or wouldn't find myself in the pages. But I did. And I really wish I'd read it sooner.

Georgia and her two best friends have just started university, and this really is a coming-of-age book. It covers so much ground--identity, sexuality, coming out, finding yourself, mental health, anxiety, romantic relationships, sexual relationships, familial relationships, starting university, becoming an adult, and so on. There is so much so cleverly packed into this book.

And the ace rep is phenomenal. Alice Oseman brilliantly captures what it's like to not be interested in sex and just not understand what all the hype is about in a society that is so sexualised. There's all the questioning and worrying about whether you're 'normal', the anxiety about why you don't feel like that way even if you want to and at times are desperate to.

But it's still got great messages about allos too--especially as the new roommate is presented as very sexual and says she enjoys sex and won't shamed for it.

While I've always thought of myself as heteromantic, Georgia, the MC, is aromantic as well as asexual--and to my surprise, I actually sort of related to some of the aromantic things she was discussing, which, yeah, really surprised me. I've been on that 'forced date' type thing where you're aware you should be romantically attracted but you're not. And reading this book made me realise that I'm probably actually demi-romantic, because the only times I've felt romantic attraction are when I've known the person really well.

I'm so glad I read this book. Really great ace-rep.

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