Countless by Karen GregoryMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
'Is there anything that's concerning you?’ Felicity says. ‘College, home, boyfriends?' Though she's more or less smiling at this last one.
I don't smile. Instead, I feel my face go hot. Silence stretches as wide as an ocean.
When I look up, Felicity has this expression on her face like she's just seen Elvis. Slowly, she leans forward and in a gentle voice I've never heard her use before she says, 'Have you done a pregnancy test?'
When Hedda discovers she is pregnant, she doesn’t believe she could ever look after a baby. The numbers just don’t add up. She is young, and still in the grip of an eating disorder that controls every aspect of how she goes about her daily life. She’s even given her eating disorder a name – Nia. But as the days tick by, Hedda comes to a decision: she and Nia will call a truce, just until the baby is born. 17 weeks, 119 days, 357 meals. She can do it, if she takes it one day at a time …
Heartbreaking and hopeful by turns, Karen Gregory’s debut novel is a story of love, heartache and human resilience. And how the things that matter most can’t be counted. Perfect for fans of Lisa Williamson, Non Pratt and Sarah Crossan.
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So I came across this book during #UKYAchat as we were talking about YA novels that address or examine difficult issues in tactful ways. During the chat, I asked for recommendations on books where the main characters have eating disorders, and a whole host were recommended to me. I hopped onto Amazon and ordered a few, and Karen Gregory’s COUNTLESS was the first to arrive.
I devoured this book. I literally read the whole thing in three hours; I was so caught up in Hedda’s story, I simply couldn’t put it down.
Hedda is 17, has Anorexia Nervosa and is pregnant. We meet Hedda a few months after she’s been discharged from an in-patient program and is living in her own flat alone due to family problems. She’s on the way to recovery, but we’re told she’s had multiple admissions to the unit for at least the last five years, and living alone now doesn’t mean she’s completely recovered—especially when we learn of her self-imposed meal plans, calorie counting, and obsession with foods. As someone who also struggles with eating, I really related to Hedda’s struggles around eating foods that weren’t her safe foods (such as the omelette Robin makes her), and I thought the author wrote this in a very sensitive way.
So, Hedda finds out she’s pregnant, and we watch as she adapts to her new situation and as she struggles to cope, wondering how her eating disorder is going to let her eat and have a healthy pregnancy, and how she’ll manage to look after a baby as well as herself.
Gregory’s treatment of Anorexia and other eating disorders in this book is really masterful and skilled. Personifying Hedda’s eating disorder as “Nia” in Hedda’s first-person narrative really emphasises the grip that eating disorders have on a person—and having Hedda’s therapist call out this personification really highlights Hedda’s “unhealthy” thoughts rather than allowing readers to get comfortable with the protagonist’s mindset.
One of my fears when reading books about eating disorders is that they’re going to be an almost “how-to” guide, but for me, this was far from that. I found COUNTLESS to be a poignant story of the complex nature of eating disorder recovery—and relapse—which also examines the effects of eating disorders on those around the individual, while never being preachy.
There’s a slight love story in this book as well, but it didn’t feel forced or there just for the sake of it. It really worked in the background of Hedda’s story, and the main focus was on Hedda’s struggle to cope with two things: her eating disorder and her baby.
The ending... well, it made me sad (I won’t say why as I don’t want to spoil it), but I can see that it was the only ending really suitable. If it had the opposite ending it could’ve risked downplaying the controlling nature of eating disorders and suggested that they’re easy to overcome. They’re not, and recovery is a complex, complex process that looks different for each person. But the ending shows that it’s okay to need help and to ask for it, and that’s what I really appreciated about the book.
A lot of other important themes and issues are covered in the subplots of this book: poverty, death of a best friend, loneliness, social isolation, family issues, parental divorce, prejudice towards teen mothers, friendship, romance, and emotional stability. But “Nia” is also at the centre of all these issues as they’re explored—and these issues are definitely examined through the lens of “Nia,” as eating disorders affect every part of life. They can’t just be turned off in some areas.
To conclude, this is a well-written, poignant story about a teenage mother, with anorexia, who’s caught in the ‘battle’ of what’s most important to her—her baby or her eating disorder—while knowing that the answer to that question isn’t easy as Hedda doesn’t have a choice when it comes to obeying or disobeying the voice of her eating disorder. All she can do is try to compromise with “Nia” in order to be there for her baby and keep her daughter healthy.
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