Review: I'M GLAD MY MOM DIED by Jennette McCurdy

 

I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

A heartbreaking and hilarious memoir by iCarly and Sam & Cat star Jennette McCurdy about her struggles as a former child actor—including eating disorders, addiction, and a complicated relationship with her overbearing mother—and how she retook control of her life.

Jennette McCurdy was six years old when she had her first acting audition. Her mother’s dream was for her only daughter to become a star, and Jennette would do anything to make her mother happy. So she went along with what Mom called “calorie restriction,” eating little and weighing herself five times a day. She endured extensive at-home makeovers while Mom chided, “Your eyelashes are invisible, okay? You think Dakota Fanning doesn’t tint hers?” She was even showered by Mom until age sixteen while sharing her diaries, email, and all her income.

In I’m Glad My Mom Died , Jennette recounts all this in unflinching detail—just as she chronicles what happens when the dream finally comes true. Cast in a new Nickelodeon series called iCarly , she is thrust into fame. Though Mom is ecstatic, emailing fan club moderators and getting on a first-name basis with the paparazzi (“Hi Gale!”), Jennette is riddled with anxiety, shame, and self-loathing, which manifest into eating disorders, addiction, and a series of unhealthy relationships. These issues only get worse when, soon after taking the lead in the iCarly spinoff Sam & Cat alongside Ariana Grande, her mother dies of cancer. Finally, after discovering therapy and quitting acting, Jennette embarks on recovery and decides for the first time in her life what she really wants.

Told with refreshing candor and dark humor, I’m Glad My Mom Died is an inspiring story of resilience, independence, and the joy of shampooing your own hair.

--- 

So, I was kind of reluctant to read this memoir when I first heard about it (though knowing nothing about the book) as I didn't like the title. It felt clickbait-y to me, and I just didn't like that at all. But then I got it from the library, and wow. Jennette McCurdy had such a difficult childhood as a child actress. She was forced into this work by her mum and abused for years by her. Reading this was difficult. McCurdy's story is traumatic and complicated. I really do applaud her for writing this.

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Review: IDENTICAL by Ellen Hopkins

 

Identical by Ellen Hopkins
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Do twins begin in the womb?
Or in a better place?

Kaeleigh and Raeanne are identical down to the dimple. As daughters of a district-court judge father and a politician mother, they are an all-American family—on the surface. Behind the facade each sister has her own dark secret, and that's where their differences begin.

For Kaeleigh, she's the misplaced focus of Daddy's love, intended for a mother whose presence on the campaign trail means absence at home. All that Raeanne sees is Daddy playing a game of favorites—and she is losing. If she has to lose, she will do it on her own terms, so she chooses drugs, alcohol, and sex.

Secrets like the ones the twins are harboring are not meant to be kept—from each other or anyone else. Pretty soon it's obvious that neither sister can handle it alone, and one sister must step up to save the other, but the question is—who?

—

It’s taken me a little while to write this review, but honestly, this book was amazing. I’m a massive fan of verse novels, and Hopkins has to be one of the best verse novelists I’ve read so far. IDENTICAL is the story of Kaeleigh and Raeanne (I listened to the audiobook so I only just looked up the spelling of their names!), and they are identical twins, but Hopkins really shows how different they are.

The contrasts between them were beautifully done—and that just made the twist at the end all the more powerful. I did not see that coming, and it was expertly done!

This book covers some difficult topics: child sexual abuse at the hands of a parent, death, grief, mental illness (including disordered eating and dissociative personality disorder/multiple personality disorder—I don’t know the correct term, sorry!). But it also looks at positives too: Support of (good) family members, friendships and supportive relationship.

The writing itself is lyrical, poignant, powerful, and stunning. Listening to this was a delight—which is kind of a weird thing to say, given what this story was about. I now recommend this novel to my students as an example of verse storytelling.

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Review: TOXIC by Natasha Devon

 

Toxic by Natasha Green
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Llewella has straight-A grades, a lead in the school play, a prefect badge, a successful blog and a comfortable life. Despite this, she feels like a brown, chubby square peg at a school full of thin, white girls. She's never had a best friend. Could the new student at sixth form - glamorous, streetwise Aretha - be the one? Llewella and Aretha get tight, quick. Before long, Llewella is following a diet Aretha has designed for her and has abandoned her own passions to dive headfirst into Aretha's world. She's determined to be the most loyal, greatest friend she can be, even when Aretha says and does things which make her feel the opposite of great. Even when the anxiety disorder she thought was cured starts to re-emerge. Isn't that how friendships work?

—

This was one of those books I just couldn’t stop reading. I devoured it in two days, even reading until 5am because I just had to finish it.

This book tells the story of Llewella and her new friend, Aretha. And right from the start, we can see that Aretha is a toxic, manipulative friend. I love stories that look at twisted relationships, and I think this is now one of my favourite books about manipulative and toxic female friendships (my other favourite is Genuine Fraud by E. Lockhart).

The friendship portrayed in Toxic is so one-sided, and so many times I just wanted to scream at Llewella to get away from Aretha.

Llewella has anxiety and panic attacks. Aretha pretends she’s good with these, but she’s not. She undermines Llewella’s mental health struggles constantly, and then she herself claims to have bipolar, referring to it as a ‘real’ disorder—oh and she isn’t diagnosed and won’t see a doctor. My jaw hit the floor here. It seems Aretha uses her self-diagnosis as a way to excuse what a horrible person she’s being. She emotionally abused Llewella constantly and it’s so obvious to readers. I was screaming inside as I read this. I don’t think I’ve ever hated a character as much as I hate Aretha. she calls Llewella fat and gives her a meal plan. Llewella spirals into eating disorder territory because of this, but it’s Aretha doing her a favour, ‘improving’ her. Aretha takes over the blog that Llewella started and then makes her start a new brand with her. Llewella’s money goes into it, of course. Aretha wants Llewella to be dependent on her, but then she abandons her at several points, one time in London zone 1, despite Aretha having panic attacks. 

Aretha makes it clear she thinks mental illness is a conspiracy, that it’s something that means the person isn’t strong or resilient (she also is fatphobic and claims a character with PCOS is plus-sized because of lack of discipline and illnesses can’t cause it—Llewella tackles her on this, but of course Aretha turns it around so Llewella is wrong). She uses Llewella’s anxiety against her, so when we do get Aretha saying she thinks she is bipolar, that was immensely interesting. Because, she could have bipolar disorder. But still that doesn’t excuse her treatment of her supposed best friend. And she’s a horrible person. At the start of the book, Llewella is happy, a straight A* student, has an important part in a play, and has a blog and other friends. Not too long after she’s friends with Aretha, Llewella is unhappy, her grades are dropping, she’s got an eating disorder, her panic attacks worsen, she’s in therapy, she gives up the play (as Aretha says she’s got to prioritise), loses her other friends, and she basically loses who she is.  The mental illness rep is phenomenal. Half the time, Aretha is suddenly annoyed with Llewella for no apparent reason, making Llewella’s anxiety much worse. And it amazed me how whenever Aretha was mean to Llewella and Llewella tackled her about it, Aretha turned it round. Seconds later, Llewella was justifying Aretha’s reaction and blaming herself. Classic gaslighting. This is the kind of relationship you see in abusive romantic relationships, and those are covered in books a lot. But this is the first time I’ve seen it done in friendship. And we need this book. 

I really liked how Llewella has a supportive network of women (and her grandfather) around her. These women give her the strength to end the brand with Aretha and gain back some of her happiness. 

This book also tackles racial issues. Both Aretha and Llewella are mixed race, and one example is Aretha is annoyed that Llewella gets a TV opportunity that she doesn’t. She blames it on Llewella being lighter skinned than she is, and tells Llewella to turn the opportunity. Even though it’s what Llewella really wants, and she gets the opportunity because of the blog that she started, two years before she even met Aretha. It appeared to me that Aretha felt entitled to getting the TV role and when Llewella got it instead, she blamed it on racial prejudice. And yes, there could be those reasons in it too, but for me (though I acknowledge I am a white reader), Llewella clearly deserved it. It was her blog. She had done the work. And Aretha clearly didn’t want Llewella to succeed. So while this book does shine a light on the important issue of racial discrimination, it largely does this while also emphasising the toxic character that Aretha was.  But there are Black characters, such as Steph, who also encourage readers to think about race and privilege, and this is done in an unproblematic way—though of course Aretha hates Steph, disagreeing with everything she says, until she can then say the same things to attack Llewella. 

Huge thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC. This is highly recommending reading and I think it should actually be compulsory reading for teenagers in schools.

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Review: BEFORE WE WERE BLUE by E.J. Schwartz

 

Before We Were Blue by E.J. Schwartz
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Get healthy on their own—or stay sick together?

At Recovery and Relief, a treatment center for girls with eating disorders, the first thing Shoshana Winnick does is attach herself to vibrant but troubled Rowan Parish. Shoshana—a cheerleader on a hit reality TV show—was admitted for starving herself to ensure her growth spurt didn’t ruin her infamous tumbling skills. Rowan, on the other hand, has known anorexia her entire life, thanks to her mother’s “chew and spit” guidance. Through the drudgery and drama of treatment life, Shoshana and Rowan develop a fierce intimacy—and for Rowan, a budding infatuation, that neither girl expects.

As “Gray Girls,” patients in the center’s Gray plan, Shoshana and Rowan are constantly under the nurses’ watchful eyes. They dream of being Blue, when they will enjoy more freedom and the knowledge that their days at the center are numbered. But going home means separating and returning to all the challenges they left behind. The closer Shoshana and Rowan become, the more they cling to each other—and their destructive patterns. Ultimately, the girls will have to choose: their recovery or their relationship.

-- 

This book has everything I could possibly want. I love sad and haunting stories that also offer hope, and BEFORE WE WERE BLUE, E. J. Schwartz's debut, gives just that.

I requested an ARC of this book on NetGalley because the cover was just so beautiful. Then I started reading it and realised it was about eating disorders--and I was drawn right in. In fact, I fell in love with this story as soon as I started it. Chapter one gives us Shoshana's POV as she's in RR, a recovery programme for her eating disorder. Immediately, I was pulled into her world and her life. She felt so, so real, and the writing was beautiful. There's something so compelling about the writing, in fact, that I just couldn't put it down. I knew immediately that this was a five-star book for me--and then I got Rowan's POV. And, just, wow. I didn't think this book could get it better, but chapter two just lifted it beyond 5 stars. We'd already met Rowan from Shoshana's POV, but chapter two, written in direct address from Rowan to Shoshana reveals the one-sided nature and complex intricacies of their friendship. There's this hard, toxic edge to Rowan and we realise she's using Shoshana. My heart was pounding reading this. It's just deliciously addictive.

Schwartz is a master of characterisation and voice, and I wasn't prepared for just how good this book was going to be. Every chapter, as I got deeper into the story, made me fall even more for this book. Shoshana and Rowan feel so real. I was breathing their stories, and Schwartz covers a lot of ground in this book.

Both girls are suffering from eating disorders, and there's a lot of discourse on bodies and social media. Shoshana is a professional cheerleader who developed her ED as a response to the pressures of this (and a pretty nasty coach), while Rowan has had her ED for longer, likely having, in some part, 'inherited' the behaviours from her mother who also showed signs of this. This book also really looks into the psychology of eating disorders and how they're often linked to other conditions--not just the physical ones caused by the effects of starvation and malnutrition, but other mental illnesses too. And it looks at WHY eating disorders can occur and how and why someone can relapse during/after treatment. There's one line from Shoshana that particularly struck me--she says about how she just wanted to be gone, and this jus really got to me. It resonated with me, and I think so many people think that eating disorders are just about food and body image, and someone's mental torture and desperation to disappear can often be overlooked because of this.

The friendship between Rowan and Shoshana is masterfully written. Rowan's arc in particular is impressive--she starts off wanting to hold onto her status as 'gray' (those whose EDs are controlling them more), and she's proud of it. She wants to be disciplined and seen as disciplined enough to maintain her status as gray (again, these were things I could personally relate to). But we see Rowan's mindset changing as she decides she wants to get better--and this coincides with her realisation about how she's been using Shoshana and needs to be a better friend.

Rowan's arc cleverly contrasts with Shoshana's. When Rowan's resisting progress at the start of the book, Shoshana is making it. When Rowan makes progress at the end, Shoshana's hitting 'rock bottom' again (perhaps, worse than before). But

This is definitely a story of friendship too--in all its different types--and we see how close and dependent the two narrators are on each other. There was this super intense relationship between them that I just adored. Now, I must just mention here that I am ace, and a lot of things that Shoshana said had me getting strong ace vibes. But I kept thinking that it wouldn't got that way, that it was just a coincidence--and then the author confirmed that this was in fact ace rep! At that point, I hadn't thought I could love this book any more, but I really did. This was just...amazing. A book that I could personally relate to not just on the eating disorder rep but also the ace rep. I was speechless. I almost couldn't believe I'd found such a perfect book for me.

I was so sad when I finished this book. I'd felt so seen in these pages, and I just wanted it to continue.

E.J. Schwartz is now an auto-buy author for me. BEFORE WE WERE BLUE is a complex look at eating disorders, friendship, social media and societal pressures, the process of healing, and asexuality. It's masterfully written, compelling and powerful, and I could not turn the pages fast enough.

Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for the ARC copy.

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Review: NOT ALL BLACK GIRLS KNOW HOW TO EAT: A STORY OF BULIMIA by Stephanie Covington Armstrong

 

Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat: A Story of Bulimia by Stephanie Covington Armstrong
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Stephanie Covington Armstrong does not fit the stereotype of a woman with an eating disorder. She grew up poor and hungry in the inner city. Foster care, sexual abuse, and overwhelming insecurity defined her early years. But the biggest difference is her race: Stephanie is black.
 
In this moving first-person narrative, Armstrong describes her struggle as a black woman with a disorder consistently portrayed as a white woman’s problem. Trying to escape her selfhatred and her food obsession by never slowing down, Stephanie becomes trapped in a downward spiral. Finally, she can no longer deny that she will die if she doesn’t get help, overcome her shame, and conquer her addiction to using food as a weapon against herself.
 
For more information about the book and eating disorders, visit www.notallblackgirls.com

---- 

I read this book as part of my MA in Creative Writing as I'd chosen to examine race within eating disorder representation in YA novels. While this book isn't YA or a novel, I found Stephanie Covington Armstrong's memoir extremely helpful for my assignment in which I was arguing that a lot of YA depictions not only gender eating disorder as women's illnesses but also suggest that only white women get them. And this is exactly what Covington Armstrong writes about in this memoir.

The writing is beautiful, and, I'll be honest, the content is harrowing. Of course, there's dark stuff in here--not just around body image and eating disorders and the reality of having bulimia, but we also see how the author was sexually assaulted as a child by her uncle. We see her fragmented relationships with authority figures after this and her anger at various family members.

This book also really shows how eating disorders can be thought of as an addiction, something I hadn't really fully realised before. It was enlightening.

Structurally, it's divided into three parts: before the eating disorder, during, and after/the recovery. This last section did seem a bit simplistic at times, and the author highlights her reliance on God for recovery. This was the part I related to the least really, but as this is memoir and not fiction, how I relate to the events isn't really important. This is Covington Armstrong's story.

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Review: BRIGHT BURNING STARS by A.K. Small

 

Bright Burning Stars by A.K. Small
My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Best friends Marine Duval and Kate Sanders have trained at the Paris Opera Ballet School since childhood, where they’ve formed an inseparable bond forged by respective family tragedies and a fierce love for dance. When the body of a student is found in the dorms just before the start of their final year, Marine and Kate begin to ask themselves what they would do to win the ultimate prize: to be the one girl selected to join the Opera’s prestigious corps de ballet. Would they die? Cheat? Seduce the most talented boy in the school, dubbed the Demigod, hoping his magic would make them shine, too? Neither girl is sure.

But then Kate gets closer to the Demigod, even as Marine has begun to capture his heart. And as selection day draws near, the competition—for the prize, for the Demigod—becomes fiercer, and Marine and Kate realize they have everything to lose, including each other.

---

4.5 stars.

What can I say? I've picked up yet another novel about ballet dancers!

I've actually been waiting over a year for this book, and when my paperback preorder finally arrived, I was so excited to start it.

It follows two ballet dancers, Marine and Kate, as they finish their final year of ballet school and compete for a prestigious role as a professional dancer. We see their friendship tested as both strive to achieve the attentions of the best male dancer there, Cyrille, who is nicknamed "The Demigod." I must admit, I found that name annoying, especially how the nickname is used so frequently in the text.

The romance is heavier in this book than I was expecting, but it works. And we see the lengths that people will go to to get what they want. Hello, toxic competitive ballet dancers! This has to be one of my favourite things.

Oh and Marine's grieving for her brother who died several years ago too.

There are quite a lot of content warnings for this book though: sex, abortion, drugs, mental health, eating disorders, suicide, sucide attempts, grief, death. There really is so much wrapped up in these pages.

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Review: SHINY BROKEN PIECES by Sona Charaipotra and Dhonielle Clayton

 

Shiny Broken Pieces by Sona Charaipotra
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

June, Bette, and Gigi have given their all to dance at Manhattan’s most elite ballet school. Now they are competing one final time for a spot at the prestigious American Ballet Company. With the stakes higher than ever, these girls have everything to lose… and no one is playing nice.

June is starting to finally see herself as a prima ballerina. However, getting what she wants might cost her everything—including the only boy she’s ever loved. Legacy dancer Bette is determined to clear her name after she was suspended and accused of hurting her rival, Gigi. Even if she returns, though, will she ever regain the spotlight she craves? And Gigi is not going to let Bette—or the other dancers who bullied her—go unpunished. But as revenge consumes her, Gigi may be the one who pays the price.

After years of grueling auditions, torn ribbons, and broken hearts, it all comes down to this last dance. Who will make the cut? And who will lose her dream forever?

--- 

If I could give this book more than 5 stars, I would. I already loved the first book in the series and rated that one 5 stars, because it was so good--and so I wasn't expecting the sequel to be even better. But it is...

Book one ends with a pretty big event (spoilers for book 1 here): Gigi's been run over and one of the ballet dancers was behind it. This book opens a little while after this. Gigi is now recovered and returning to the school (alongside Cassie who is also returning--Cassie was absent on-page from book 1, having also been injured in the bullying). June is back at the school too but on thin ice as the school are now aware of her eating disorder and tell her she will be asked to leave if she doesn't improve. Bette is back at her family home for much of the book, having been excluded from the school who believe she was responsible for Gigi's accident--even though Bette's narrative tells us she wasn't and she's determined to find out who was.

So the stakes are immediately high in this book and it takes on almost thriller vibes at times. And it's just so tense--because the girls in this book are even more vicious than in the last book!

Gigi and Cassie team up together, which is understandable as there's no way Gigi is going to trust Bette or June. But Cassie is so, so toxic though and we see her manipulating Gigi, getting her to do things she'd never normally do (such as giving Eleanor peanuts when the girl has a severe peanut allergy). Gigi also cuts off all of June's hair, and there are numerous other things she now does without question due to the mindset that her accident and Cassie's manipulation have got her into.

And Gigi isn't the only one whose 'pranks' turn more severe. We see June also upping her game, and we see just how far Bette will go to clean her name.

Of course there's more darkness in this book--but I actually think it was handled even better than in book one. (Spoilers ahead). We've got a predatory teacher preying on Eleanor (Bette's best friend), and Bette takes photographic evidence of this. When these photos are mysteriously leaked to the students and teachers, Eleanor is blamed and slut-shamed--and then she attempts suicide too. My heart was racing at this point and I couldn't read fast enough to see if Eleanor was okay.

June's eating disorder becomes even more prominent, and she's also balancing this with the stress of the future of her romantic relationship with Jahye, as he wants her to relocate to where he's going to college, which would mean giving up her dreams of being a professional ballet dancer.

In fact, all three narrators--June, Bette, and Gigi--are worrying about their future in this book, as are all the other main characters (Cassie, Will, etc). This is their last year at the ballet school and the school only offers places to two dancers. There's this huge sense of urgency and inevitable change.

One of the reasons I really loved this sequel is because I felt Bette's character was more fully fleshed out. In book 1, she's backstabbing and manipulative--and she is in this book two, but we learn more about her. Because she's at home for a lot of the book, we get an insight to her family life that we didn't have before and we meet her father who left her. We also understand more about why she's so jealous of Gigi as she is still in love with her ex (Gigi's boyfriend). And we get a lot more insight into Bette's addiction too and how she struggles with drugs.

In fact, I think this book has more psychological insight for all the narrators--especially June. 

And, of course, it's a hugely diverse book in terms of race and disability/chronic illness. 

The only 'negative' I have about it (and I had to think hard about this one!) is the male characters, mainly the male ballet dancers. Because the female ballet dancers' personalities were so strong and so well developed, they felt flatter in comparison. I did catch myself skimming over scenes with Alec and Will, at times, purely because I wanted to get to the 'heart' of the novel where it was about the backstabbing girls pretty much plotting to murder each other.

But this has to be one of my top reads.

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Review: TINY PRETTY THINGS by Sona Charaipotra and Dhonielle Clayton

 

Tiny Pretty Things by Sona Charaipotra
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Now a Netflix TV show!

Black Swan meets Pretty Little Liars in this soapy, drama-packed novel featuring diverse characters who will do anything to be the prima at their elite ballet school.

From the New York Times-bestselling author of The Belles, Dhonielle Clayton, and the author of the highly anticipated Symptoms of a Heartbreak, Sona Charaipotra.

Gigi, Bette, and June, three top students at an exclusive Manhattan ballet school, have seen their fair share of drama. Free-spirited new girl Gigi just wants to dance—but the very act might kill her. Privileged New Yorker Bette's desire to escape the shadow of her ballet-star sister brings out a dangerous edge in her. And perfectionist June needs to land a lead role this year or her controlling mother will put an end to her dancing dreams forever.

When every dancer is both friend and foe, the girls will sacrifice, manipulate, and backstab to be the best of the best.

Don’t miss the gossip, lies, and scandal that continues in Tiny Pretty Things’ gripping sequel, Shiny Broken Pieces!

----

I read this book after having seen the Netflix series--albeit I'd bought the book before the TV series came out--and there's something really addictive about it. Usually, I end up liking either the book or the adaptation more--but it wasn't the case with this. I think I liked them both equally, even though they're quite different in terms of plot and character.

I couldn't stop reading this book, and it was one of those that I really wanted to savour. For a start, it's about ballet dancers and I don't know why, but I just can't get enough of ballet fiction at the moment. There's something so enticing about it.

Tiny Pretty Things is a dark book, and though it's about petty teen drama at a lot times, it also covers quite a lot of difficult themes: eating disorders, mental illness, bullying, assault, violence. And all of these things are covered so expertly and sensitivity. And I did I mention it's got perhaps the most diverse cast I've ever read? Of it's three narrators, Gigi is Black and June is Korean. Oh and Gigi has a chronic illness too. And I just loved that rep, as a chronically ill person myself.

Going back to the three narrators, too--each narrator felt like she had equal importance in the story. It was well balanced and the structure really worked. Not to mention that the narrative voices of each POV character were different as well, so that was really amazing.

At its heart, this is a book about the toxic competitive natures of teen ballet girls and what they'll do to succeed (a theme which is taken even further in the sequel which I read straight after this and am about to review too). But here's also a fair amount of romance for two out of the three narrators, and there are some touching moments of friendship and family too.

And there are unreliable narrators! Which I LOVED.

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Review: POINTE by Brandy Colbert

 

Pointe by Brandy Colbert
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Theo is better now.

She's eating again, dating guys who are almost appropriate, and well on her way to becoming an elite ballet dancer. But when her oldest friend, Donovan, returns home after spending four long years with his kidnapper, Theo starts reliving memories about his abduction—and his abductor.

Donovan isn't talking about what happened, and even though Theo knows she didn't do anything wrong, telling the truth would put everything she's been living for at risk. But keeping quiet might be worse.

-- 

This book!!! This book has SO MUCH THAT I LOVE IN A YOUNG ADULT BOOK!

It's got ballet--huge bonus, and this is primarily what drew me to the book as I'm on the lookout for ballet books at the moment.

It's got a girl in recovery for an eating disorder--this is also what drew me to the book, as I'm examining eating disorders in YA lit as part of my MA in Creative Writing. (And the eating disorder rep is really good and authentic in this one).

It's got a child abduction--so this sounds weird saying that I love this in a book, but it gives it the thriller vibe that I adore.

And it's also got darkness. A lot of darkness.

Theo is the main character, a Black ballet dancer and the one with the eating disorder. Her best friend Donovan was kidnapped several years ago, but now he's back. And the man who is facing trial for abducting him? He's also a friend of Theo's.

Okay, spoilers ahead.

We quickly learn that thirteen-year-old Theo was more than friends with eighteen-year-old man who went on to abduct Donovan. We learn that she was also groomed sexually by this man, and we see her come to terms with the fact she was raped by him.

She struggles a lot with this, not believing it to be rape at first, but then realises she needs to tell the truth to help Donovan. And I think that's what is at the heart of this book--truth.

It's raw and it doesn't shy away from difficult topics. In fact, this book does an awful lot. And that's what makes it such a vital read. I'd recommend parents of teens read this one too, not just young adults. It really is eye-opening.

Content warnings for child sexual abuse and rape, drugs, grooming, mental illness, eating disorders, low self-esteem.

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Review: NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED by Hannah Moskowitz

 

Not Otherwise Specified by Hannah Moskowitz
My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Etta is tired of dealing with all of the labels and categories that seem so important to everyone else in her small Nebraska hometown.

Everywhere she turns, someone feels she's too fringe for the fringe. Not gay enough for the Dykes, her ex-clique, thanks to a recent relationship with a boy; not tiny and white enough for ballet, her first passion; and not sick enough to look anorexic (partially thanks to recovery). Etta doesn’t fit anywhere— until she meets Bianca, the straight, white, Christian, and seriously sick girl in Etta’s therapy group. Both girls are auditioning for Brentwood, a prestigious New York theater academy that is so not Nebraska. Bianca seems like Etta’s salvation, but how can Etta be saved by a girl who needs saving herself?

The latest powerful, original novel from Hannah Moskowitz is the story about living in and outside communities and stereotypes, and defining your own identity. 

---
So, I'm a bit conflicted in how to review this book. From a craft point of view, it's amazing. The narrative voice is so strong and characterisation is especially good. The writing is addictive and flows well. I read it in two days, and I couldn't stop thinking about this book.

Yet, for me, it also had some pretty big issues. As other reviewers have noted, lesbians don't come off in this book particularly well. They're presented as a cult and called 'the Dykes'. They're also the violent bullies in this book. I feel if we'd just had one lesbian character who wasn't like this, then that would've solved a lot of the problems. But this representation made me uneasy.

And then there's the eating disorder stuff. I'm studying eating disorders in YA fiction for part of my postgrad work. The representation of the actual eating disorder is well-done. It's not romanticised, and it feels real. It's also great having a character who's already in recovery, who's gained weight, and is doing well in the general lay-of-the-land type of thing, but who we also see still struggling. Because those thoughts don't just go away. I could relate to this a lot.

But I had an issue with race representation in this book. As part of my postgrad work, I've been looking specifically at BIPOC representation in eating disorder YA fiction. Traditionally, EDs have always been seen as a white woman's illness, so BIPOC rep is important--especially when in the medical field many doctors still expect Black women to be bigger and more comfortable with being curvier than white women and therefore getting diagnosed with an eating disorder as a Black person is arguable harder, according to interviews/research. There are many memoirs from BIPOC authors about how race doesn't determine whether you get an eating disorder, or how disciplined you are in the eating disorder, but that race does prejudice some doctors against you if you're BIPOC, making it harder for you to seek help. And unfortunately, for me, this novel sort of conformed to some of the stereotypes. Etta is constantly described as 'chubby' and someone who doesn't look like she has an eating disorder--which is fine and true for many people with EDs, but this novel only has Etta, the Black character with an ED, presented in this way. All other characters with EDs in this are white and are presented as much thinner, as they have the discipline to starve themselves in a more superior way.

This novel is own-voices for eating disorders and bisexuality, but the author is white (she describes herself as a white Jewish girl), and I couldn't help but think that some of the bias and constructs around race and biological determinism have influenced her as she wrote about a Black ballerina with an ED who's 'chubbier' than the white girls with EDs. Given that there are so few books out there about BIPOC girls with eating disorders, (and there really should be more!), I worry that this one could reinforce stereotypes in some readers who just won't question it and believe that race does determine how you'll experience an ED.

But this is a great novel.

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Review: LIES LIKE POISON by Chelsea Pitcher

 

Lies Like Poison by Chelsea Pitcher
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Poppy, Lily, and Belladonna would do anything to protect their best friend, Raven. So when they discovered he was suffering abuse at the hands of his stepmother, they came up with a lethal plan: petals of poppy, belladonna, and lily in her evening tea so she’d never be able to hurt Raven again. But someone got cold feet, the plot faded to a secret of the past, and the group fell apart.

Three years later, on the eve of Raven’s seventeenth birthday, his stepmother turns up dead. But it’s only belladonna found in her tea, and it’s only Belladonna who’s carted off to jail. Desperate for help, Belle reaches out to her estranged friends to prove her innocence. They answer the call, but no one is prepared for what comes next.

Now, everyone has something to lose and something equally dangerous to hide. And when the tangled web of secrets and betrayal is finally unwound, what lies at its heart will change the group forever

--

So, when I was first getting into audiobooks, I was browsing YA thrillers on audible and I came across this one--instantly, I was hooked. I downloaded it immediately--along with a few others--and then I had technology problems and couldn't access my audiobooks! Oh no! Eventually, I sorted it out, but I'd forgotten which book this one was. All I remembered was the main characters shared names with flowers and there was murder, and I was desperately trying to work out which book it was.

So, a few months later, when I'd finished my most recent listen and clicked randomly onto this title (my audible app doesn't show book descriptions), I was delighted to realise IT WAS THIS BOOK! And this book is incredible.

Complex female characters? Yes. Complex male characters? Yes. Complex transitioning characters? Yes. LGBT relationships? Strong character voices and narrative writing? Yes. Beautiful imagery? Yes. And a plot that just grabs you right away? Yes.

THIS BOOK WAS AMAZING! It's haunting and breathtaking and I could not stop listening to it. Chelsea Pitcher is now one of my favourite YA writers ever. And I must give a shoutout to the narrators too: Emmett Grosland, Emily Ellet, Amanda Dolan, and Kevin Free.

The book is told via multiple narrators and across multiple timelines. When the characters were little, Poppy, Belladonna, and Lily planned to poison Raven's evil step-mother--shortly after the murder of Raven's mother. They didn't do it. Now, the characters are 17, and Raven's just returned from the boarding school is father sent him to, to find out his step mother actually has been murdered and Belladonna's been arrested. The 'recipe' for murder that they came up with as children as apparently now been followed. Jack (previously named Poppy--and the book follows his transition) is desperate to clear Belladonna's name and ropes in Lily and Raven to help.

And this book is just so delicious. All the characters are so 3D. Lily's dark and sinister, suffering an eating disorder due to her mother's abuse. Belladonna is obsessed with fairytales--dark tales--having been adopted by a man who locked her up at night after his biological daughter was abducted. Jack has secrets of his own--from the clothes he burned on the night of Raven's step-mother's murder to his preference to be called 'Jack' and using him/his pronouns. And Raven--well, Raven is the character that haunted me the most. There's something eerie about him, namely stemming from the scene we're shown early on where as children all the characters were playing at fairy tales and he was lying 'dead' in a coffin.

So who did the murder?

Well, I must confess that I did realise who the murderer of the step-mother was quite early on. Not because all clues pointed to that person, but through process of deduction I realised it couldn't be anyone else. What I didn't expect was to find out the identity of the murderer of Raven's real mother too. That was edge-of-your-seat-stuff.

The only thing that bugged me a bit about this book was how when we're halfway through, we suddenly are introduced to narration by Raven as well. Up until that point, the narration had been told by Jack, Lily, and Belladonna only--so I did find it a little jarring.

But this is an amazing YA thriller! It's just so atmospheric and haunting and I loved it so much.

Content warnings for: abuse, eating disorders, suicidal talk.



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Review: A DANGER TO HERSELF AND OTHERS by Alyssa B. Sheinmel

 

A Danger to Herself and Others by Alyssa B. Sheinmel
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Only when she’s locked away does the truth begin to escape…

Four walls. One window. No way to escape. Hannah knows there's been a mistake. She didn't need to be institutionalized. What happened to her roommate at her summer program was an accident. As soon as the doctors and judge figure out that she isn't a danger to herself or others, she can go home to start her senior year. In the meantime, she is going to use her persuasive skills to get the staff on her side.

Then Lucy arrives. Lucy has her own baggage. And she may be the only person who can get Hannah to confront the dangerous games and secrets that landed her in confinement in the first place.

---

AMAZING. Seriously, that's the only way to describe this book. It is truly amazing.

In the opening pages, we meet Hannah Gold. She's a confident and likeable narrator, and she's just been institutionalised. But she tells us not to worry. It's just a mistake, her being there. It's because Agnes, her best friend and roommate at summer school, is in a coma with brain damage, and Agnes's parents mistakenly believe that Hannah was involved. But as soon as Agnes wakes up or her parents talk to Jonah, Agnes's boyfriend, Hannah's name will be cleared and she'll be back out in the real world.

The writing in this book is just so compelling. I was sucked in right away, completely on Hannah's side. We're given little snippets of info at the right time to keep us reading--this is one of the best books I've read for pacing--and we gradually begin to piece together a picture of what happened to Agnes that's led a psychiatrist to believe Hannah is a danger to herself and others. Indeed, being a danger to herself and others--those exact words--becomes a motif in this book as we learn Hannah is more than a little obsessed with it. But, still, we're thinking that's fair enough. And if I was in that situation, I don't think I'd be as calm as Hannah. She's handling it all well.

Now, the rest of this review will contain spoilers--because I have to talk about these twists. THEY ARE AMAZING.

So, Hannah gets a roommate, Lucy. Lucy is a ballerina who has an eating disorder and a dark secret--she wanted to hurt one of her rival ballerinas. She wanted to push her, take away her dancing ability. And it's when Hannah meets Lucy that we begin to suspect that Hannah isn't quite as level-headed as she lets on. She becomes obsessed with Lucy, wanting to be her best friend (giving Lucy no choice) as she believes if the doctor sees how she's best friends with Lucy, they'll know she's not a danger to herself and others--and then she'll be out.

Hannah's having therapy sessions throughout the novel with Dr. Lightfoot (not the real name, named by Hannah because the doctor wears ballet slippers), and in those sessions, we see Hannah open up more and more. She is a very complex character, and we learn of her childhood, seeing the pivotal moments that shaped her into this arrogant and intelligent character: her parents took her to grown-up meetings, left her in hotel rooms, made her eat oysters as a child. And she was rewarded for acting like a grown up. She wasn't allowed to be a child.

Hannah, at the summer school, also had an affair with Jonah--the guy we are told is Agnes's boyfriend. But then we get the twists. Neither Jonah or Lucy are real. I was gobsmacked at this reveal, but they're both hallucinations. And oh my goodness, I could not stop reading this book at this point (and I'd been so addicted to it before).

I've had hallucinations myself, and this really just 'got' me. Especially how we see Hannah in denial about this--insisting her friends are real--and then coming to terms to it. She then frets about how can she know if anything at all is real? She doubts all her memories, and I just loved this. It reflected exactly my own thought processes.

We never find out the diagnosis that Hannah has--and I think that really worked in this book. Instead, we see her at the hearing as she's cleared of being the cause of Agnes's accident, and we see her leaving the hospital once she's medicated. We see her moments of doubt, her delusions, and we also meet her parents. And wow, that characterisation is incredible. The parents are so cold and calculating that I desperately wanted Hannah to go back to the hospital where Dr Lightfoot was. Because she cared more for Hannah than her own parents did. And that was heartbreaking.

This is just an incredible book. Highly recommended.


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Review: MEAT MARKET by Juno Dawson

Meat Market by Juno Dawson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Jana Novak's history sounds like a classic model cliché: tall and gangly, she's uncomfortable with her androgynous looks until she's unexpectedly scouted and catapulted to superstardom.

But the fashion industry is as grimy as it is glamorous. And there are unexpected predators at every turn.

Jana is an ordinary girl from a south London estate, lifted to unimaginable heights. But the further you rise, the more devastating your fall ...

Honest and raw, this is a timely exposé of the dark underbelly of the fashion industry in an era of #TimesUp and #MeToo. It might just be Juno Dawson's most important book yet.

--

I’ve been reading so many amazing books recently and MEAT MARKET by Juno Dawson is definitely now top of my list. It’s just that good.

Last year I read CLEAN by Dawson, and I fell in love with her writing. I knew that this was an author I just had to read more of. And so when I got the chance to grab a copy of MEAT MARKET I just couldn’t read it fast enough.

This is the story of Jana Novak, a girl who is scouted to become a model. Initially reluctant, she goes ahead with it—and becomes one of the big names in the model industry.

This is just an amazing book. Dawson uses Java’s journey to show how toxic the modelling industry is. She exposes the sexism and impossibly high standards models are held accountable to, giving readers a powerful insight into this industry. Important topics such as sexual assault in the workplace and the #MeToo movement are explored tactfully and powerfully.

MEAT MARKET examines how models’ bodies are seen as commodities and just how bad some models are treated.

We see how this culture encourages eating disorders and how models are seen everywhere, but rarely heard. We rarely know what a model’s voice sounds like. They’re very much used just for their body.

We also see how drugs play a big role in this industry. Dawson skilfully shows how Jana starts off bright-eyed and eager, only to succumb to the impossible standards imposed on her and the relentless pressures, eventually choosing to take drugs to numb herself to the harsh realities of the modelling industry, in order to continue her career. As Jana becomes addicted to the drug, it provides a haziness to both her and the reader. I almost felt like I was also drugged at times as I read. That’s how good the writing is.

And yes, the narrative voice. It is phenomenal. Seriously good. Jana’s voice is unique and it grabs you. I also loved how there are a variety of different literary devices employed to tell the story alongside Jana's narrative. We've also got a film transcript and articles.

This is one of those books that is so important to read, and I really recommend that everyone reads it. It’s a powerful YA story and even though I finished it days ago, I can’t stop thinking about it.

*content warning for: sexual assault, rape, eating disorders, transphobic comments directed at the MC*

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Review: PAPERWEIGHT by Meg Haston

Title: Paperweight
Author: Meg Haston
Publisher: HarperTeen
My rating: 4 stars

Seventeen-year-old Stevie is trapped. In her life. And now in an eating-disorder treatment center on the dusty outskirts of the New Mexico desert.

Life in the center is regimented and intrusive, a nightmare come true. Nurses and therapists watch Stevie at mealtime, accompany her to the bathroom, and challenge her to eat the foods she’s worked so hard to avoid.

Her dad has signed her up for sixty days of treatment. But what no one knows is that Stevie doesn't plan to stay that long. There are only twenty-seven days until the anniversary of her brother Josh’s death—the death she caused. And if Stevie gets her way, there are only twenty-seven days until she too will end her life.

Review: 

Wow, so this is a hard book to write about because the story is so raw and poignant, believable and haunting.

I've had a copy of this book for about nine months. I purchased it after being recommended several titles about teenagers struggling with eating disorders, from one of the #UKYAChat sessions. This is the last of those books that I got around to reading--the others including titles such as Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson and Countless by Karen Gregory. One of the reasons I left this book for such a long time, not reading it alongside the other books about eating disorders, is because I thought it might be very triggering for me. Reading the back cover copy had me a little worried. In actual fact, I found Anderson's book to be the most triggering, and Paperweight was more hopeful than I'd anticipated, despite the darkness in its pages. 

This book does cover some very dark topics. You've got suicidal ideation, attempted suicide, suicide planning, self-harm, the death of a sibling, guilt, and blame. Alongside these, the main characters (apart from Shrink) have Anorexia Nervosa and/or Bulimia Nervosa. 

The story opens with Stevie on her way to a treatment centre, and follows her journey. This character is written fantastically. From what I understand, this book is an #ownvoices eating disorder story, as there's an author's note in the back that briefly mentions that Meg Haston has been both a therapist and patient. Stevie's struggle is portrayed really realistically, and she felt so real. We really feel where she's at emotionally as she goes from resistive to accepting of how sick she is, with lots of see-sawing on the way. 

Identity seems to be a huge part of this book, and (spoiler ahead) Stevie wanted the label of anorexia rather than bulimia. Her explanations as to why really resonated with me and it was at that point where I felt I really understood who she was. She needs the labels because of what they represent in her eyes and in the eyes of others. 

Another big theme in this book is toxic relationships. You've got Stevie's fraught relationship with her mother, and also the very controlling and toxic friendship (which becomes something more) between Eden and Stevie. Eden is a fascinating character and I loved how her relationship with Stevie was juxtaposed against the more healthy connection Stevie develops with Ashley at the treatment centre. Stevie's realisation that Ashley wants to be her friend whereas Eden just wants to eclipse her was such a powerful moment. 

Overall, this is a great read.

Review: GIRLHOOD by Cat Clarke

Girlhood by Cat Clarke
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I’ve been in a reading slump lately, and GIRLHOOD by Cat Clarke is the book that brought me out of it.

This book is amazing. It’s poignant, raw, and dark. And so, so emotional.

Harper, the MC, is at boarding school and is dealing with her grief and guilt over her twin sister’s death. Jenna died from anorexia, and Harper blames herself as she was the one who suggested they both went on a diet. The portrayal of anorexia is sensitively done and focuses largely on the impact that Jenna’s death has had on her twin and parents. Harper’s coping mechanisms seem realistic and authentic.

Female friendship is a huge part of this book, and Clarke tackles this in such a good way. She shows how groups of girls can turn on each other, how fragile a once-string friendship can become—and how quickly too—and really captures what teen friendships can be like: both the intensity of them and the importance of them in regards to building identity.

GIRLHOOD starts with four friends—Harper, Ama, Lily, and Rowen—when they meet newcomer Kirsty. Lily is headgirl and organises an almost initiation test for Kirsty—one that is unpleasant and somewhat dangerous. This book doesn’t shy away from how mean girls can be.

As the book progresses, Kirsty slithers further into the friendship group, and it becomes evident that she’s trying to cause trouble. She isolates certain girls, playing both the tormentor and rescuer—something that Lily is also referred to.

There are secrets and lies, jealousy and betrayal wrapped up in this complex story of friendship. But what I really liked was how all five girls pulled together and supported one another. Explanations for Kirsty’s behaviour are given—and these explanations perfectly explained her motivation for her ghastly actions and why she wouldn’t to hurt the girls. And the other girls forgive her, just as they forgive each other for other things they’ve done. Forgiveness is a huge theme in this book, and it ends with Harper trying to forgive herself for Jenna’s death.

I was really glad that this book didn’t have a love story, as so many YA books do. It would’ve detracted from the important messages this book gives.

It’s also worth noting that the cast of this book is diverse. This is the first book I’ve read where the MC is bisexual and this representation was really well done. Rowen also tells readers early on she’s a lesbian, and at least one other character appears to either be bi or lesbian too. There are also characters of colour too.

My only negative about this book is some of the characterisation. When you have a book with so many teenage girls as main characters—it’s set at a boarding school—keeping them separate in your head as you read is always going to be a challenge. And a few times, I found it hard to distinguish between Ama, Lily, and Rowen. But Harper and Kirsty’s characterisation was expertly done.

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Review: CLEAN by Juno Dawson

Clean by Juno Dawson
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

When socialite Lexi Volkov almost overdoses, she thinks she's hit rock bottom. She's wrong.

Because rock bottom is when she's forced into an exclusive rehab facility.

From there, the only way is up for Lexi and her fellow inmates, including the mysterious Brady.

As she faces her demons, Lexi realises love is the most powerful drug of all ... 

It's a dirty business getting clean.

—
I started reading CLEAN by Juno Dawson, not really knowing what to expect. And at first, I found it a bit intimidating—which is a sign of good writing, for me, as I was so overwhelmed by Lexi’s life and felt really uneasy. And I totally get that that’s the point of the writing there. It’s dark, gritty, and disturbing in more than one place.

Lexi is a wealthy seventeen year old with a drug problem. CLEAN follows her on her many ups and downs as she goes to the Clarity Centre for rehab.

One of the things I really appreciated about this YA novel is that it doesn’t shy away from dark topics that some might argue aren’t appropriate for YA readers. There’s drugs, addiction, sex, death, grief. And it’s all handled really well and in a respectful manner. Even when Lexi (when in withdrawal from heroin) insults one of the nurses, using a homophobic slur, she does call herself out on it when she’s clean and apologise to the nurse herself.

The diversity of the characters is great too. There are many characters of colour who are central to the book (such as Saif, Sasha, and Ruby), characters with different religious identities, and LGBTQ+ characters (Kendall is trans, at least two nurses are gay, and one of Lexi’s school friends is shown in a “sexually fluid” relationship) and the best thing about all of these diversities is it’s all treated so normally! It’s not pointed out as being “different” which is what I’ve seen in a few other YA novels unfortunately (or sometimes it feels like these characters have only been put in the book for the sake of diversity—not the case here). These characters’ ethnicities/genders/religions/sexual identities are NOT shown to be their only defining feature as in some other books I’ve read and—no, they’re fully developed, treated like everyone else (as they should be!), and as far as I could see, Dawson doesn’t fall into any stereotypes. This, for me, really made this book a good read and I’ll be highly recommending it.

In a book about addiction and recovery, it was obvious mental illness rep was going to be a big part of it, and I was pleased to see a large number of mental illnesses (addiction, anxiety, OCD, anorexia and other eating disorders, etc) examined; seeing them through Lexi’s eyes was also interesting, particularly how her thoughts on the others changed during her journey in recovery.

 However there were a few things that felt unrealistic, particularly in the treatment of anorexia: I doubted that nurses really wouldn’t be aware of Kendall’s nighttime exercise and when she was so underweight, why wasn’t she using a wheelchair? I was also surprised that the staff didn’t intervene in the water fight when Kendall joined in, chasing the others. Also, surely on an island, there’d be more staff watching the beach and the hotel in general. Why didn’t anyone but Lexi notice when Saif was high?

The romance, for me, built a little quickly and it felt a little like insta-love. But I totally get that that’s because of the vulnerable places both Lexi and Brady are in. It may feel a little fast, but it’s believable and realistic to Lexi’s situation. I guess it’s just my personal preferences that prevented me from really “feeling” the love between these two characters as I prefer more of a build-up.

While this is a solid 4 stars, what stopped me from upping it to 5 is the writing. For me, it would have been nice to have a little more imagery in it at times—possibly in the vein of WINTERGIRLS by Laurie Halse Anderson (which looks at anorexia) or THICKER THAN WATER by Kelly Fiore (also about addiction). For me, those two books used dark, disturbing imagery to really heighten the grittiness of the story, and I think if this book had had a little of that it would’ve truly made it a haunting story in places. As I was reading, I just wanted something more from the writing itself.

However, CLEAN does give us a very strong narrating voice and so I do realise that some more imagery may have lessened the impact of Lexi’s narrative had that been the case! So again this is probably just personal preference as I’m a sucker for imagery!

Overall, this is an important read. Highly recommended.

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Review: SAD PERFECT by Stephanie Elliot

Sad Perfect by Stephanie Elliot
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Sixteen-year-old Pea looks normal, but she has a secret: she has Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). It is like having a monster inside of her, one that not only dictates what she can eat, but also causes anxiety, depression, and thoughts that she doesn’t want to have. When she falls crazy-mad in love with Ben, she hides her disorder from him, pretending that she’s fine. 

At first, everything really does feel like it’s getting better with him around, so she stops taking her anxiety and depression medication. And that's when the monster really takes over her life. Just as everything seems lost and hopeless, Pea finds in her family, and in Ben, the support and strength she needs to learn that her eating disorder doesn’t have to control her.  

— 

It’s been quite a while since I read this book, but I wanted to write a review now as I’m currently reading and reviewing a lot of books about eating disorders, and so far SAD PERFECT is the only one that looks at ARFID.

As someone who struggles with disordered and restricted eating, this book really struck a chord. I empathised so much with Pea, the MC, and felt the portrayal of this eating disorder was realistic and informative—it’s not just fussy eating, and this story showed this brilliantly. I especially appreciated how well it included the anxiety-part of ARFID and showed how it can extend beyond just the eating and into any situations that could involve food.

From what I understand, the author’s daughter has ARFID and completed an intensive program just like the MC of this book, so from that point of view, it’s clear the author knows what she’s talkibg about and it is important to her to spread the word about this lesser-known eating disorder and shed some light on it. Yet as I do have disordered eating (which in my case has been triggered by diagnosed of mast cell activation syndrome and coeliac disease, but doctors have referred to it as likely being ARFID) I do wonder how close the representation actually is as it isn’t own voices...and there were a couple of things I didn’t agree with (but whether that’s just individual differences or not is hard to say as everyone’s experiences of eating disorders is different). That’s not to say this is a bad book or anything, because it isn’t!

The imagery in this book is amazing. As is the writing. Some really lovely metaphors. Characterisation was good too, and the author has built the tension and pacing perfectly. The romance was also well done and thought out too.

So the couple things I didn’t agree with/found problematic: firstly,  how it treats other eating disorders. The MC is quite scathing towards the girls with anorexia and bulimia who are also in her support group, and crucially she is not called out about this by the therapist (or the author). This was a little disappointing. The other thing I found (a little) problematic was the ending, but I don’t want to go into that in too much detail because of spoilers. I’ll just say it felt a little rushed, and I interpreted it as almost saying eating disorders like ARFID aren’t serious mental illnesses as they can apparently be treated by a simple changed mindset. Which I get is true on one level, but as the ending felt rushed it seemed the MC’s past struggle was essentially being presented as something the MC caused and chose to have and so it could, as it turned out, be easily fixed (despite the plot sayin otherwise).

Having said all that, I still rate this book very highly, and I read it in less than 24 hours. It’s THAT good.

For anyone who’s reading/studying the portrayal of eating disorders in YA fiction, this is an important read, and I highly recommend it as it’s rare to get a novel looking at the lesser-known eating disorders.

Review: WHAT I LOST by Alexandra Ballard

What I Lost by Alexandra Ballard
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

What sixteen-year-old Elizabeth has lost so far: forty pounds, four jean sizes, a boyfriend, and her peace of mind. As a result, she’s finally a size zero. She’s also the newest resident at Wallingfield, a treatment center for girls like her—girls with eating disorders. Elizabeth is determined to endure the program so she can go back home, where she plans to start restricting her food intake again. She’s pretty sure her mom, who has her own size 0 obsession, needs treatment as much as she does. Maybe even more. Then Elizabeth begins receiving mysterious packages. Are they from her ex-boyfriend, a secret admirer, or someone playing a cruel trick?

—

I have such mixed feelings about this book. On the one hand, it’s an important read—it deals with eating disorders in a very respectful way, and tackling issues like this is always tough. The author does a good job of bringing such a sensitive topic to the forefront. Yet it seemed a bit flat in its execution.

The representation of anorexia is also especially well done, and from what I know, it was pretty realistic as well as it showed Elizabeth’s journey to recovery.

But for me, the writing felt flat. The tone pretty much stayed the same throughout and I struggled a little with reading it at times as I kept getting distracted and couldn’t always remember which character was which. But the story itself was powerful enough for me to pull through and finish it.

There also were a couple of things I did feel that read a bit like a how-to manual for deceiving people about how much you’re eating, so these “tips” at hiding food could prove a little triggering for some readers. Just something to be aware of.

I’ve been reading a lot of novels looking at characters with eating disorders recently, and this is the first one I’ve come across where the mother of the protagonist also has an eating disorder which she is made to realise and come to terms with too. That gives this book a slight edge in that respect.

Overall this is a good read, it just lacked the emotional impact I was hoping for.

Review: WINTERGIRLS by Laurie Halse Anderson

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

About Wintergirls: 

“Dead girl walking,” the boys say in the halls.
“Tell us your secret,” the girls whisper, one toilet to another.
I am that girl.
I am the space between my thighs, daylight shining through.
I am the bones they want, wired on a porcelain frame. 

Lia and Cassie are best friends, wintergirls frozen in matchstick bodies, competitors in a deadly contest to see who can be the skinniest. But what comes after size zero and size double-zero? When Cassie succumbs to the demons within, Lia feels she is being haunted by her friend’s restless spirit.

---


This has to be one of the most disturbing books I've read in a long time. I don't mean that in a bad way--just that it is a VERY powerful and emotional read.

It delves deeply into the mindset of Lia, a girl suffering from anorexia, who is struggling to cope with the death of her best friend (who died from an eating disorder). Because of how deep the POV is and just how much we're put into Lia's shoes, I found this really hard to read at times. It's not a light read, but it's an important read, though I found it triggering.

There's also extensive self-harm too in this book, which, again, made it difficult to read at times.

I did however love the writing style, with the many crossed-out words, and how we really get to see Lia's mind and her thought processes. The imagery and metaphors were also especially good and evocative. These really made this book special to me--not just the important message within its pages, but the way this message is delivered both in terms of the plot and the writing.

I'd definitely recommend it to fans of Girl in Pieces (Kathleen Glasgow) and Thicker than Water (Kelly Fiore).


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