Review: TOXIC by Natasha Devon

 

Toxic by Natasha Green
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Llewella has straight-A grades, a lead in the school play, a prefect badge, a successful blog and a comfortable life. Despite this, she feels like a brown, chubby square peg at a school full of thin, white girls. She's never had a best friend. Could the new student at sixth form - glamorous, streetwise Aretha - be the one? Llewella and Aretha get tight, quick. Before long, Llewella is following a diet Aretha has designed for her and has abandoned her own passions to dive headfirst into Aretha's world. She's determined to be the most loyal, greatest friend she can be, even when Aretha says and does things which make her feel the opposite of great. Even when the anxiety disorder she thought was cured starts to re-emerge. Isn't that how friendships work?

—

This was one of those books I just couldn’t stop reading. I devoured it in two days, even reading until 5am because I just had to finish it.

This book tells the story of Llewella and her new friend, Aretha. And right from the start, we can see that Aretha is a toxic, manipulative friend. I love stories that look at twisted relationships, and I think this is now one of my favourite books about manipulative and toxic female friendships (my other favourite is Genuine Fraud by E. Lockhart).

The friendship portrayed in Toxic is so one-sided, and so many times I just wanted to scream at Llewella to get away from Aretha.

Llewella has anxiety and panic attacks. Aretha pretends she’s good with these, but she’s not. She undermines Llewella’s mental health struggles constantly, and then she herself claims to have bipolar, referring to it as a ‘real’ disorder—oh and she isn’t diagnosed and won’t see a doctor. My jaw hit the floor here. It seems Aretha uses her self-diagnosis as a way to excuse what a horrible person she’s being. She emotionally abused Llewella constantly and it’s so obvious to readers. I was screaming inside as I read this. I don’t think I’ve ever hated a character as much as I hate Aretha. she calls Llewella fat and gives her a meal plan. Llewella spirals into eating disorder territory because of this, but it’s Aretha doing her a favour, ‘improving’ her. Aretha takes over the blog that Llewella started and then makes her start a new brand with her. Llewella’s money goes into it, of course. Aretha wants Llewella to be dependent on her, but then she abandons her at several points, one time in London zone 1, despite Aretha having panic attacks. 

Aretha makes it clear she thinks mental illness is a conspiracy, that it’s something that means the person isn’t strong or resilient (she also is fatphobic and claims a character with PCOS is plus-sized because of lack of discipline and illnesses can’t cause it—Llewella tackles her on this, but of course Aretha turns it around so Llewella is wrong). She uses Llewella’s anxiety against her, so when we do get Aretha saying she thinks she is bipolar, that was immensely interesting. Because, she could have bipolar disorder. But still that doesn’t excuse her treatment of her supposed best friend. And she’s a horrible person. At the start of the book, Llewella is happy, a straight A* student, has an important part in a play, and has a blog and other friends. Not too long after she’s friends with Aretha, Llewella is unhappy, her grades are dropping, she’s got an eating disorder, her panic attacks worsen, she’s in therapy, she gives up the play (as Aretha says she’s got to prioritise), loses her other friends, and she basically loses who she is.  The mental illness rep is phenomenal. Half the time, Aretha is suddenly annoyed with Llewella for no apparent reason, making Llewella’s anxiety much worse. And it amazed me how whenever Aretha was mean to Llewella and Llewella tackled her about it, Aretha turned it round. Seconds later, Llewella was justifying Aretha’s reaction and blaming herself. Classic gaslighting. This is the kind of relationship you see in abusive romantic relationships, and those are covered in books a lot. But this is the first time I’ve seen it done in friendship. And we need this book. 

I really liked how Llewella has a supportive network of women (and her grandfather) around her. These women give her the strength to end the brand with Aretha and gain back some of her happiness. 

This book also tackles racial issues. Both Aretha and Llewella are mixed race, and one example is Aretha is annoyed that Llewella gets a TV opportunity that she doesn’t. She blames it on Llewella being lighter skinned than she is, and tells Llewella to turn the opportunity. Even though it’s what Llewella really wants, and she gets the opportunity because of the blog that she started, two years before she even met Aretha. It appeared to me that Aretha felt entitled to getting the TV role and when Llewella got it instead, she blamed it on racial prejudice. And yes, there could be those reasons in it too, but for me (though I acknowledge I am a white reader), Llewella clearly deserved it. It was her blog. She had done the work. And Aretha clearly didn’t want Llewella to succeed. So while this book does shine a light on the important issue of racial discrimination, it largely does this while also emphasising the toxic character that Aretha was.  But there are Black characters, such as Steph, who also encourage readers to think about race and privilege, and this is done in an unproblematic way—though of course Aretha hates Steph, disagreeing with everything she says, until she can then say the same things to attack Llewella. 

Huge thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC. This is highly recommending reading and I think it should actually be compulsory reading for teenagers in schools.

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Review: SHINY BROKEN PIECES by Sona Charaipotra and Dhonielle Clayton

 

Shiny Broken Pieces by Sona Charaipotra
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

June, Bette, and Gigi have given their all to dance at Manhattan’s most elite ballet school. Now they are competing one final time for a spot at the prestigious American Ballet Company. With the stakes higher than ever, these girls have everything to lose… and no one is playing nice.

June is starting to finally see herself as a prima ballerina. However, getting what she wants might cost her everything—including the only boy she’s ever loved. Legacy dancer Bette is determined to clear her name after she was suspended and accused of hurting her rival, Gigi. Even if she returns, though, will she ever regain the spotlight she craves? And Gigi is not going to let Bette—or the other dancers who bullied her—go unpunished. But as revenge consumes her, Gigi may be the one who pays the price.

After years of grueling auditions, torn ribbons, and broken hearts, it all comes down to this last dance. Who will make the cut? And who will lose her dream forever?

--- 

If I could give this book more than 5 stars, I would. I already loved the first book in the series and rated that one 5 stars, because it was so good--and so I wasn't expecting the sequel to be even better. But it is...

Book one ends with a pretty big event (spoilers for book 1 here): Gigi's been run over and one of the ballet dancers was behind it. This book opens a little while after this. Gigi is now recovered and returning to the school (alongside Cassie who is also returning--Cassie was absent on-page from book 1, having also been injured in the bullying). June is back at the school too but on thin ice as the school are now aware of her eating disorder and tell her she will be asked to leave if she doesn't improve. Bette is back at her family home for much of the book, having been excluded from the school who believe she was responsible for Gigi's accident--even though Bette's narrative tells us she wasn't and she's determined to find out who was.

So the stakes are immediately high in this book and it takes on almost thriller vibes at times. And it's just so tense--because the girls in this book are even more vicious than in the last book!

Gigi and Cassie team up together, which is understandable as there's no way Gigi is going to trust Bette or June. But Cassie is so, so toxic though and we see her manipulating Gigi, getting her to do things she'd never normally do (such as giving Eleanor peanuts when the girl has a severe peanut allergy). Gigi also cuts off all of June's hair, and there are numerous other things she now does without question due to the mindset that her accident and Cassie's manipulation have got her into.

And Gigi isn't the only one whose 'pranks' turn more severe. We see June also upping her game, and we see just how far Bette will go to clean her name.

Of course there's more darkness in this book--but I actually think it was handled even better than in book one. (Spoilers ahead). We've got a predatory teacher preying on Eleanor (Bette's best friend), and Bette takes photographic evidence of this. When these photos are mysteriously leaked to the students and teachers, Eleanor is blamed and slut-shamed--and then she attempts suicide too. My heart was racing at this point and I couldn't read fast enough to see if Eleanor was okay.

June's eating disorder becomes even more prominent, and she's also balancing this with the stress of the future of her romantic relationship with Jahye, as he wants her to relocate to where he's going to college, which would mean giving up her dreams of being a professional ballet dancer.

In fact, all three narrators--June, Bette, and Gigi--are worrying about their future in this book, as are all the other main characters (Cassie, Will, etc). This is their last year at the ballet school and the school only offers places to two dancers. There's this huge sense of urgency and inevitable change.

One of the reasons I really loved this sequel is because I felt Bette's character was more fully fleshed out. In book 1, she's backstabbing and manipulative--and she is in this book two, but we learn more about her. Because she's at home for a lot of the book, we get an insight to her family life that we didn't have before and we meet her father who left her. We also understand more about why she's so jealous of Gigi as she is still in love with her ex (Gigi's boyfriend). And we get a lot more insight into Bette's addiction too and how she struggles with drugs.

In fact, I think this book has more psychological insight for all the narrators--especially June. 

And, of course, it's a hugely diverse book in terms of race and disability/chronic illness. 

The only 'negative' I have about it (and I had to think hard about this one!) is the male characters, mainly the male ballet dancers. Because the female ballet dancers' personalities were so strong and so well developed, they felt flatter in comparison. I did catch myself skimming over scenes with Alec and Will, at times, purely because I wanted to get to the 'heart' of the novel where it was about the backstabbing girls pretty much plotting to murder each other.

But this has to be one of my top reads.

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Review: MY DARK VANESSA by Kate Elizabeth Russell

 

My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell
My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Exploring the psychological dynamics of the relationship between a precocious yet naïve teenage girl and her magnetic and manipulative teacher, a brilliant, all-consuming read that marks the explosive debut of an extraordinary new writer.

2000. Bright, ambitious, and yearning for adulthood, fifteen-year-old Vanessa Wye becomes entangled in an affair with Jacob Strane, her magnetic and guileful forty-two-year-old English teacher.

2017. Amid the rising wave of allegations against powerful men, a reckoning is coming due. Strane has been accused of sexual abuse by a former student, who reaches out to Vanessa, and now Vanessa suddenly finds herself facing an impossible choice: remain silent, firm in the belief that her teenage self willingly engaged in this relationship, or redefine herself and the events of her past. But how can Vanessa reject her first love, the man who fundamentally transformed her and has been a persistent presence in her life? Is it possible that the man she loved as a teenager—and who professed to worship only her—may be far different from what she has always believed?

Alternating between Vanessa’s present and her past, My Dark Vanessa juxtaposes memory and trauma with the breathless excitement of a teenage girl discovering the power her own body can wield. Thought-provoking and impossible to put down, this is a masterful portrayal of troubled adolescence and its repercussions that raises vital questions about agency, consent, complicity, and victimhood. Written with the haunting intimacy of The Girls and the creeping intensity of Room, My Dark Vanessa is an era-defining novel that brilliantly captures and reflects the shifting cultural mores transforming our relationships and society itself.

-- 
Oh my goodness. This book is dark. It is intense. It's amazing. And it's such an important read.

Content warning for sexual abuse, sexual assault, child sexual abuse, and grooming.

So I listened to the audiobook of this one, and I was just overwhelmed. I think that's the best way to describe my reaction. I found it difficult to listen to--and several times I had to stop when the story just became too much. It felt too real, and the rape scenes were very graphic. It made me feel sick, and as someone who's experienced sexual violence, this book just hit too close to home several times.

But I couldn't leave the book alone for long. I always had to know what happened next. I had to know if Vanessa would realise that she had been abused, and I had to know if her abuser would pay. But I think it was the first of those reasons--needing to see if Vanessa would or could understand what had happened to her was wrong--was what really drove the story. Because for a lot of the book, the relationship she had with her teacher was romanticised. And it was romanticised a lot. It's skillfully written, because as an adult reader, I could see what it was: a predatory, abusive relationship, even though for a long time, the main character can't see this. And I think what really helped was that we get pretty much duel timelines. We see her as an adult looking back (albeit she still isn't accepting that it was wrong, still believing her relationship with the man to be different, even as he is now facing accusations of abusing other girls at the school). And because we get these different perspectives--adult Vanessa as well as teenage/child Vanessa--that's what really makes this story a masterpiece.

We see the effects of this abuse on Vanessa as an adult, even though she's still struggling to see it for what it was. We see her going to therapists and struggling to hold relationships with others, both romantic and familial. We see the effects of the abuse on her relationship with her parents, both at the time when she was a fifteen-year-old and now as an adult. But we also see the the changing attitudes toward sexual assault and child sexual abuse and grooming in the book.

As a child, Vanessa takes the blame for it all when others find out about her relationship with the teacher. The fact that the teacher actually coerced her into taking the blame, really manipulating her, set me teeth on edge as I was reading, and I felt so, so angry.

But we do see how attitudes are changing in the book--as an adult, and when others have come forward about this teaching abusing them, Vanessa is starting to accept what happened to her was abuse and we see others supporting her.

There wasn't really a sense of justice though, (spoiler ahead), as the predatory teacher takes his own life about halfway through the adult timeline of the book, which does lead to Vanessa having to deal with guilt over this as well. While I desperately wanted there to be justice, I can't deny that that wouldn't have been right for the story that the author was telling here. She was focusing on Vanessa and showing what does happen.

This book is dark, probably the darkest thing I've ever read. It's disturbing. There's no denying it. I think that's why I wouldn't necessarily say I 'enjoyed' this book. It was emotionally draining. But it was so, so good. Really well written. And it's an important book that needs to be read.

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Review: FACELESS by Alyssa B. Sheinmel

 

Faceless by Alyssa B. Sheinmel
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

When Maisie Winters wakes up, she’s in the hospital.

The last thing she remembers is running through the hills of her neighborhood one misty morning. Slowly, she puts the pieces together. Before she could make it home, a storm gathered. Lightning hit a power line and sparks rained down, the hot-burning electrical fire consuming her. Destroying her face. Where her nose, cheeks, and chin used to be, now there is…nothing.

Maisie’s lucky enough to qualify for a rare medical treatment: a face transplant. At least, everyone says she’s lucky. But with someone else’s features staring back at her in the mirror, Maisie looks—and feels—like a stranger. The doctors promised that the transplant was her chance to live a normal life again, but nothing feels normal anymore. Before, she knew who she was—a regular girl who ran track and got good grades, who loved her boyfriend and her best friend. Now, she can’t even recognize herself.

New York Times bestselling author Alyssa Sheinmel has created a gripping and gorgeously written tale of identity and love. This is a story of losing yourself and the long, hard fight to find your way back

-- 

This book is just heartbreaking and powerful and had me in tears so many times. It's about identity and self-worth and healing and growing up. But it's also about so much more.

Maisie is hit by an electrical storm and loses most of her face. She's given an experimental face transplant, and this book is about her journey after this. We see her going through an array of emotions and battles as she struggles to cope with a life-changing event such as this. It reminded me a lot of Scars Like Wings by Erin Stewart--which has a similar theme.

We see Maisie as her sense of self-worth is shattered and we see her break up with the boyfriend who waited nearly a year to see her after the accident. She didn't feel like she was the same person anymore and therefore decided they wouldn't work together. Although I've not been through anything like that, I've experienced thoughts like this at times where I feel betrayed by my body in how it determines the things I do and affects my confidence. It's made me question whether I can have relationships with others so many times--and this book was so relatable because of this.

The writing itself is great--as I knew it would be because I loved the other book I read by this author. And this book is just as deep. Just as emotional. Just as powerful.

I really recommend it.

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Review: POINTE by Brandy Colbert

 

Pointe by Brandy Colbert
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Theo is better now.

She's eating again, dating guys who are almost appropriate, and well on her way to becoming an elite ballet dancer. But when her oldest friend, Donovan, returns home after spending four long years with his kidnapper, Theo starts reliving memories about his abduction—and his abductor.

Donovan isn't talking about what happened, and even though Theo knows she didn't do anything wrong, telling the truth would put everything she's been living for at risk. But keeping quiet might be worse.

-- 

This book!!! This book has SO MUCH THAT I LOVE IN A YOUNG ADULT BOOK!

It's got ballet--huge bonus, and this is primarily what drew me to the book as I'm on the lookout for ballet books at the moment.

It's got a girl in recovery for an eating disorder--this is also what drew me to the book, as I'm examining eating disorders in YA lit as part of my MA in Creative Writing. (And the eating disorder rep is really good and authentic in this one).

It's got a child abduction--so this sounds weird saying that I love this in a book, but it gives it the thriller vibe that I adore.

And it's also got darkness. A lot of darkness.

Theo is the main character, a Black ballet dancer and the one with the eating disorder. Her best friend Donovan was kidnapped several years ago, but now he's back. And the man who is facing trial for abducting him? He's also a friend of Theo's.

Okay, spoilers ahead.

We quickly learn that thirteen-year-old Theo was more than friends with eighteen-year-old man who went on to abduct Donovan. We learn that she was also groomed sexually by this man, and we see her come to terms with the fact she was raped by him.

She struggles a lot with this, not believing it to be rape at first, but then realises she needs to tell the truth to help Donovan. And I think that's what is at the heart of this book--truth.

It's raw and it doesn't shy away from difficult topics. In fact, this book does an awful lot. And that's what makes it such a vital read. I'd recommend parents of teens read this one too, not just young adults. It really is eye-opening.

Content warnings for child sexual abuse and rape, drugs, grooming, mental illness, eating disorders, low self-esteem.

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Review: CONCRETE ROSE by Angie Thomas

 

Concrete Rose by Angie Thomas
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

International phenomenon Angie Thomas revisits Garden Heights seventeen years before the events of The Hate U Give in this searing and poignant exploration of Black boyhood and manhood.

If there’s one thing seventeen-year-old Maverick Carter knows, it’s that a real man takes care of his family. As the son of a former gang legend, Mav does that the only way he knows how: dealing for the King Lords. With this money he can help his mom, who works two jobs while his dad’s in prison.

Life’s not perfect, but with a fly girlfriend and a cousin who always has his back, Mav’s got everything under control.

Until, that is, Maverick finds out he’s a father.

Suddenly he has a baby, Seven, who depends on him for everything. But it’s not so easy to sling dope, finish school, and raise a child. So when he’s offered the chance to go straight, he takes it. In a world where he’s expected to amount to nothing, maybe Mav can prove he’s different.

When King Lord blood runs through your veins, though, you can't just walk away. Loyalty, revenge, and responsibility threaten to tear Mav apart, especially after the brutal murder of a loved one. He’ll have to figure out for himself what it really means to be a man.

----

This book--just wow!!!! I loved THE HATE U GIVE, and so the moment I heard that CONCRETE ROSE was set in the same world of Garden Heights, I just had to drop everything and read it immediately. And I'm sooooo glad I did.

Angie Thomas's writing is just amazing, and this story is so, so real. It's authentic and compelling. And it really helps to remove stigma too.

Maverick is such a great character. He is a Black man who is in a gang. He deals drugs, and there's drug-related violence, and drug-related murders and deaths affecting those close to him. But he is so much more than this--he's a doting father, even as a teenager. He's only selling drugs as he needs to support his mother, and especially when he finds out he's got a child. (And then discovers his girlfriend is also pregnant--two children. He is desperate to provide for his family.) He's fiercely protective of his family and friends. He's kind. He's genuine. We see him make mistakes--and we see him learn from mistakes.

Mav's father is in prison for the entirety of the book, and we learn that this is because the only way out of the King Lords' gang is to be go to prison, often taking the fall for someone else in the gang, or to end up dead. Mav says countless times how he was encouraged by his father to join the gang for his protection--and we can really see this in the book too. King and the other King Lords do protect him from the GDs, the warring gang. And we can see how this almost creates a vicious cycle of these men ending up in prison. Something Mav is desperate to avoid as he wants to be there for his children, especially when he knows what it's like to grow up with a father in prison.

But then Mav's cousin is murdered and he's expected to kill the murderer. We see his desperation to do this, and it's heartbreaking because we've already been shown what could happen.

And, you know what? I desperately wanted things to work out for Maverick--perhaps more than any other protagonist I'd read. And I was so worried that it was going to end with him in big trouble in prison (like, I was sure that was happening). Thankfully, it didn't--though having read THUG we get a hint of what Maverick does have to do to get out of the gang.

But, yes, I couldn't read this book fast enough. (I also LOVED the reference to Justyce in Nic Stone's Dear Martin too!)

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Review: BE THAT UNICORN by Jenny Block

Be That Unicorn: Find Your Magic, Live Your Truth, and Share Your Shine by Jenny Block
My rating: 5 of 5 stars


What would "that unicorn" do? This is the book that answers that question in every scenario. We should all want to be "that unicorn" because "that unicorn" is the best you. The best person, really. The kind of person we are all drawn to. My mom had always said that people are drawn to be because I make everyone feel good about themselves. All through my life people have echoed that sentiment. It's the thing I love about myself the most. This is the book that shares that love. The big sister, BFF, mom, cheerleader, coach, what have you, that everyone deserves. A unicorn is a glittery, rainbow maned metaphor for one's joyful self. That stuff can sound so "woo woo." The metaphor makes it palatable, accessible and relatable.

"Be That Unicorn" might appear to be a silly book on the surface, but at its core, it's about being yourself and feeling really, really good about that and making others feel really, really good about themselves too. It's all about contradictions and not following the crowd or doing the expected.

This book would is about being a unicorn at home, at work, in relationships, in the world, etc. It's about doing the unexpected because that's what you love and that's what works for you and that's what makes others inspired to do the same. My friends all call me a unicorn because I am drawn to all things sparkly and pink, yes, but more because, to look at my five foot frame, you'd never expect the outspoken, bawdy, leader of the pack that I am - who also loves to bake and take care of her friends and family. They say I make them want to be themselves too. Everyone always asks if I am always smiling. Not always, I tell them. But most of the time because even if I'm not feeling the joy right at that moment, I still want everyone around me to feel it.

Now don't get confused. Being a unicorn doesn't mean always being happy, nor does it mean ignoring the bad stuff. It means taking it in, reacting with anger or tears, and then letting it go. Just keep prancing!
There are people who don't like you. There are people with more money than you. There are people who are more successful than you. It's not about not caring about that. Of course, we care, we're human. It's about caring and sallying forth just the same. That is what "that unicorn" does. The horn may be mythical. But the unicorn is real. She's the girl you don't think can exist. But we do.

It's hard to be told that everything about you is not ok. That you should not be upset by things. That you should always smile. That you shouldn't care what other people think. The thing is all of that is swirling around in us and around us. So why not be the unicorn and keep prancing just the same? It's not about not having the feelings. It's about knowing we're going to have those feelings and not letting them stop us.
I do give a f*ck. I do sometimes feel like sh*t. And some of things people say about be aren't lies. I just don't let that stop me. That's the difference. "That unicorn" is like the little engine who could. "That Unicorn" doesn't delude herself into thinking that the mud is meringue or the rain is ribbons or the hating is high-fiving. She allows herself the feels, ugly cry and all and says, "Yes all of that is real AND." No excuses. Just living happy while living in reality. 

--

I first came across BE THAT UNICORN when I interviewed author Jenny Block for Book Party Chat, an event designed to raise awareness for recent releases whose launches had been affected by the Covid-19 pandemic. Talking to Jenny was a delight, and her enthusiasm for the subject this book is on made me go out and order a copy right away.

I don't really read a lot of self-help books, but BE THAT UNICORN is one I'll definitely be returning to, dipping in and out of it when needed. It's a pocket-sized book that can easily fit in a bag, and it's all about teaching the reader to be happy and accepting of who they are. As the book says, "being That Unicorn isn't about being perfect. It isn't about glossing over the hard stuff or the sad stuff. It's about being true to yourself".

I particularly liked how this book acknowledges that life does throw bad things at us. Being "the unicorn" doesn't mean we're permanently happy and unaffected by bad events. Jenny Block shows us how we can "be amazing" even though "things are going to get messed up now and again". She concentrates on the importance of getting back up and not wallowing, and really focusing on strength.

Authenticity is such a big thing in this book. Jenny Block really shows us how important it is to be authentic and how authenticity is linked to self-esteem. Other topics included in this book include the concept of "the one" and dating, trust, work, and caring for others--and how all these things can be done while still being that unicorn, being the best and most authentic versions of ourselves.

There really are so many gems of wisdom in this book, and the whole thing is written in an easy-to-engage manner. It feels neither preachy nor instructional, but rather like a friend speaking to us.